I wrote to Travis a dozen times reminding him he is Special, Matters and is Loved. Prison takes those senses, that self worth away. Especially when you're not that bad, just badass.
I can never adequately describe what it is between us. We drive eachother crazy, it's weird. Our minds are close. We reflect eachothers ideas and tastes but not morals and ethics. My soul mate but not my life mate. Solicitous with him, listening and talking him through his demons even though I have my own. Feeling always, a lack of support. Travis is committed to his interpretation of the cause, hindsight always left me feeling he wasn't devoted to us, so neither was I. Hopelessly dependant on eachother and our foaming-at-the-mouth furious love, magic. The rockstar making of out dramatic demise. We didn't attain it - marriage, but we went for it. Travis always pushed me higher which was exhausting yet I needed him to do that. I needed him in my life for our-time, not a life time. I refused to cop half-baked commitment, he refused to see I was the highway, not the rolling wheels. In different countries we lived our versions of the rockstar life - indulging in excesses. I binge drink and smoke pot as a past time. Smoking pot all day and all night at times. On the other side of the world Travis would drink and smoke, drop pills, do muscles, trip, snort, all without much second thought as he described it. I party but I am disciplined, productive, studious. The reality of us, me in the USA, was what caved in our love for me. Travis is rock'n'roll - metal, there is no room for my princess - though he believed there was, I know better. I know me. Demanding, possessive, obsessive, dramatic, diva - Demanding devoted attention always. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder in my mind. I am too practical for that - too sensible, too organised, too calculated, too emotionally intelligent. I could see the writing on the wall as flying to the USA came to mind. My dream Barbwire Noose a reality. All I truly longed for. My 'One Love'.
I met Eric in 2024 and knew I'd love someone as deeply as Travis once again. By the end of 2024, everything faded away. I imploded, deader than ever inside.
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